Allright, let’s get this going.
I have a lot of free time at hand, an opiniated man went ahead with a formidable example and I do not need to hold back. Problem is, I know way to few curse words in English. So this article will be dominated by words like shit in forms of pre- or suffixes, asshole, idiot or fuck.
Fucking is contrary to love a topic i can and will talk about.
About one year ago I lost the ability to get touched. Of course anyone is able to touch me, but nobody can, without forcing me to experience enormous discomfort. Fortunately everyone has the strong urge to hug me, until I am feeling well and ready to face life. That’s kinda counterproductive. It doesn’t affect me for a long time but I don’t feel comfortable with it and only do it to make my counterpart to feel useful and loved. Even handshakes have to be well-prepared, so I don’t shake in trepidation. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to shake hands we you. Some things have to be. You are at best my friend and I will greet you accordingly, with your help in ultimate defiance of my shortcomings.
Everyone needs a certain amount of human propinquity, although my capacity has declined, my appetite for intimacy has in not. So the last woman I met, I cannot express what I felt and still feel for her, was a blessing and a curse, Just this much. She made me sing and she cared. That’s all I need in a woman. As she was around, I thought to myself:”I couldn’t be happier nor calmer nor feel more appreciated in my perdition.” I finally met someone able proficient enough in making me not feel lonesome. I had others after the break up of my long-term relationship, but the solitude I successfully dwelt in for ages, is not easy to abandon for just anyone, considering that the way back into it is harder than out, it has to be well-thought through.
As it turns out, those moments of rest and relaxation were accidentally the days, I started loosing all comfort in physical contact. It was hard to decipher then.
Little shivers down my spine, I had to keep in check, when her hand passed my arm. Small delays in replying a kiss. In compensation I grinned like an idiot every time she kissed me. Every fucking time! Just couldn’t get it under control. A hesitation when stroking her beautiful, dark hair and well the part I was good in, trained for years and years of negligible one-night stands and sex-ed en masse. I failed miserably and inconceivably.
My mother is a social worker and specialized in sexual education of children. So I knew how to fuck and what a man can and should do, before I even saw my dick rising in all it’s majesty for the first time. Just to be clear. That didn’t prevent me from having disastrous first and following sexual encounters. But it helped appropriate them.
We skip the heartache part and revel the messed up brain I have.
As soon as I realized, I am and will not able to have sex with women, my brain declared:”You are gay!”
Well, I am not. Nevertheless I retried an experiment, I did years ago with an acquaintance. Not fun, but enlightening in my youth! This time, after discovering I would not able to have sex with men either, my head went further.
“Perhaps you are just into weird shit.”, I concluded. Try something out! I and I am kinda ashamed because of this, tried several fetishes. Not ashamed for having a fetish. Fuck whatever gets you to full-speed, my friend. If you need to stick your dick into an oven wrapped in clear film and heat it to 150°C (I will not convert! Dear USA use the fucking metric system like every other dumb cunt, well except Liberia and Myanmar, on the planet), go for it. I am ashamed that I thought my or any mind would work that way. Perhaps it’s just natural. I couldn’t care less today. What is done is done.
I can say that now. Now that I have seen crap, I never dreamed being possible. You cannot imagine how fucked up my head can get, when the craving gets intolerable and I want sex.
You think banging sheep is the most disgusting thing you would consider being possible to happen in your imagination. Necrophilia is just an innocuous item on the list of shit I considered being “my thing”. And thanks to the almighty accessibility of the Internet, I was enabled to at least check my tendencies.
I drew no line. Why was there no fuckin’ line? No line at all.
Couldn’t decide between this and “No Touching!”
The random board on 4chan was the place I went to relax, calm down and look at sophisticated eroticism. I obviously never, except the gay thing, acted after my imagined cravings. The premiss: No victim, no problem. The lesson I learned out of this, turns out to be a good relationship advice:
You can fuck someone in your head, how you want, wherever and whenever you want. The question at hand is:”Are you acting after it?” In my case the consequence would have been no hard split up or awkward awakening in the morning, but prison or an angry lynch-mob.
Today I still lack the ability of contact, mainly because I lack the will to try. It’s just not important to implement new people in my daily life. Fuck, I struggle keeping contact with those, still believing in me. Yet, also because I can’t get the fucked up shit people do to each other, with each other and animals and objects, out of my head.
I can’t stop thinking in general. Therefore cannot stop thinking about these horrific human cravings. In this case I am very open to suggestions. I like sex. And my cock is angry all day and night that I refuse to let him out and play. He is begging, to do something. He has no phase of denial, anger or acceptance. Only parley. And that is no basis for an elaborate decision.
That’s all for now. Grow and stand upright!
P.S.: Masturbation is no option, cannot focus longer than three minutes and porn disgusts me now.