Let me drown in sorrow for a little while, because in reality I have very little to complain about. My family loves me, my friends try to help and I am a miserable and ungrateful cunt. Fact and not open for discussion.
As I am talking about being miserable. One thing I really miss, is going out at night on weekends. I used to have a lot of fun and with a slight chance of truth, I was fun to be around.
Now? I get a growing feeling of discomfort and unease when the night crawls near. The facebook-friendlist gets smaller and grayer. I can choose between torturing myself and well, torturing myself.
Today a friend asked if I would join him in his club. I would really like to. I can’t go. I am simply not able to. I was angry for a little while, but thankfully my friend is no pussy and would even understand. I am grateful he asked. He has not forgotten me and is not angry at me. That is still important to me.
I heard that some accused my brother of abandoning me. Everyone daring to state such a blatant lie, can come to me, even if I should be only able to vegetate in bed and repeat it to my face. My weak and useless body can still be fast and mean we’ll both find out how fast and how mean. He might be an idiot and a broken one as well in his ignorance, but he is my idiot and I am the only one who destroys him, if necessary.
I am truly sorry my brother and friends. I let you down, I let myself down, I let all of you down. I know some would want to argue against that. Have you tried arguing against irrationality? Exactly my point.
I am responsible for you, somehow. I cannot shake that feeling. I tried, believe me I have tried so hard. Now it’s all coming back and it tries beating me into my mattress with its madness.
Today I decided to live forever or die in the attempt. I will join you again someday and if it is for one last time only. Think of me. Drink for me. Like it would be my departure, have fun for me. Now I can watch my bravery fade in the next hours or days.
But I will prevail. Someday I will come back and ruin your birthday-party, fucking your sister with her best-friend together, puking on your new, fancy couch and passing out at your girl-friends side of the bed. Again.
Stand upright, drink and party hard! Have a great weekend everybody,