Not gone, just distracted; again.

I have not written a damn thing in about two weeks. Okay, okay that is not entirely true.
I wrote a lot, but I do not deem it sufficient or important. So I have not published a post in about two weeks.

My personal tip for music today:
Claus Grabke. Skater, musician and whatever he wants to. Inspiring guy. Sometimes.

Every now and then I forget what I do and want to do. I would compare it to a computer crash. You wake up one morning and all the beautiful pages of your bachelor thesis are gone for good.
These kinds of experiences occur on a regular basis:

“Yesterday there was a plan. Today there is nothing and a little bullshit left.”

Some of us just want to watch the world burn.

“Have a nice day!”

In these times, when the dice decide to be loaded and not grant me the gift of fucking memory, I retreat back to a quiet, little site.
My bubble, my own world. The place where everything is in my grasp, under my control, where my heart and head are still or already able to play for the same team.

As this happens, lethargy and apathy become overwhelming. Every little or large thing, important or not, can not evade evolving too trivial to be even worth noticing. Why should I notice, if it exists in my realm and at my complete mercy? Puny and futile is what they are.

Notwithstanding I often ask myself:”Why do matters exist, that my head is allowed to ignore in their entirety?”
I originally should not be able to evade these tasks, problems or gestures. Some are inherently important to my well-being and existence. Even so they are, I could not give a shit and fuck about them.

An example of my stupor.
The post

The post service. The only institution not complaining, when you want to send someone a bomb or his daily dose of Anthrax

For over a year now, I have not opened a single letter. Not one.
I see the address, the sender and know what it is about. What it means or and this is in most examples the case, what the framer of said letters want from me.
No secret was ever lifted for me by ripping up an envelope. There is a very blatant problem due to this and I am fully aware of it.
I have no true, factual oversight of external claims that might be laid to my wealth or person. That is somehow unsettling for others, but mostly generates a life comparable to a mutilation of a treasure hunt. A lot of uncertainty. Uncertainty is at least a teeny, tiny bit exiting.

Just because I know, doesn’t mean I care. I do not care for many reasons

None of these letters are for example ever hand-written. They are manufactured for a reason. A hand-written message would imply personal involvement and commitment. In matters firms or private persons regard the information of my person as absolutely vital, few want to be involved personally, therefore I chose to do the same.

You do not bother to use your hand to postulate your concerns?
You will understand. I can not squander the usage of my eyes to gaze at your triviality.


One foot in and one foot out


This is where I stop today. When you are the one beating the trail you need to walk, there is no excitement in turning around and retaking the steps of  this pathway without former hindrances.
Even writing seems so indifferent and mediocre. I would love to call it boring, but that would mean attributing other aspects a more favourable description. Until things change, I have one and a follow-up question.

One has to do some things and others one chooses to. Who defines what one has to and what one chooses to?
Follow up: How does one become employed to decide such stuff?



Stand upright,



13 responses to “Not gone, just distracted; again.

  1. prioritising ey – when want becomes must – it loses the passion with which it begun – when we want it bad enough WE get to decide what the choice will be – but when the consequence of preferred choice influences our choice either way – it brings discontent. The job seek sadly is voluntary work only -If you’re serious ;)…if not – become a politician :P

      • …you may just find it again at a point you will reach. I completely understand that sensation – breaking life down into segments is difficult to the can make it feel too mechanical. Sadly it suits the purpose of a functional life – AND THEN – is is EVEN more satisfying breaking out of it for a while and going ape into something off the wire :)

        And to prove something to you – and you will know what – I am going to be an incredible ARSE and point you here

  2. I like the idea of the bubble. I think I might create my own. I keep telling myself that things have to get better. (And sometimes they do) but that gossamer strand of hope keeps me going.

    • Funny you mentioned that. I had to think about hope for quite a while now. I know where you are coming from. But I fear hope is a devious thing, too tricky to be trifled with. There are reasons it being the only thing left in Pandoras Box, after it is opened.

  3. Haha I never read my mail either. It just sits in the mailbox until it’s stuffed too full and then I transfer it to the trash.
    I don’t know the answers to your questions– I feel like I do whatever I want to do, but maybe I’m just a pawn and I’ve taken on the obligation of wanting things I’m told. Who knows. Right now I want to go to bed.

    • That is a filing system I feel very comfortable with. Neatly arranged and far practical than any other I have seen so far.
      It feels for me that one has to accept a certain form of behaviour that is strangely counter-intuitive and believing or wanting things one is told seems to be one of the forms it acquires. The bed sounds really good. Really good.
      I’ll do that too and I shall see you in my dreams, Red Lady.

    • It is reciprocal with blurry lines.
      To become more specific you need to clarify your question a little bit for me. I am afraid, I do not fully grasp what exactly you mean.

      • Sometimes we think that our mood is a function of the world that we perceive around us. Perhaps it is the opposite. Our mood influences our perception. Thus, we change our mood and the world that we perceive changes for the better. Yet it is the same world.

        Just a thought. Be well.

      • Oh well, that parallels to a former assertion of mine. well not of mine, someone told it to me.
        “Don’t always listen to your head, it is a better liar than you are.”
        The questions I needed to ask myself:
        Does my mental state change if the world changes?
        Does the world change if my mental health increases?
        If you want to know, how strong I consider the fact of my own disturbances altering my view, I can only say that I try to minimize it’s effect. But at last it is my head who is trying to.
        Someone asked me a few months ago, if I really entertain the idea of my own madness. I believe so.
        But in the end it doesn’t matter. The badness of it is evident. Meaning I can proof, what I say. That will not change just by cookies becoming tasty again.

  4. Jona, have you ever heard of the expression “Neurons that fire together, wire together”? I might even have mentioned it to you before. It’s one of my favourite conclusions within research as it describes how our nerve cells communicate, significantly affecting our perception. Moreover and in response to previous comments, I believe you are right in that both you and I as well as the rest of the human population unconsciously reinforce learnt cognitive and behavioural patterns. Simply realising what patterns of thinking that affect us negatively or even acknowledging where it grew from does not always (or perhaps very rarely), as you yourself said, mitigate the condition. Maybe an alternative is to try and bridge the mind and the body together so as to yet again unify the two, as they most likely were ‘unified’ before we were conditioned in our upbringing. I hold great belief in this type of strategy to regain a life of balance. Have you looked into the Philosophy and Science of Yoga practice I wonder?

    Sending you strength and nourishing vibes.

    • I am not certain if you mentioned it, but I know it.
      The annoyance imposed through this continuation of error in education and upbringing is excruciating and seemingly disastrous to a successful cohabitation and continued existence.
      I have not. Yoga had only more of a practical approach to me. But I believe in it. Believe is not the accurate term.
      There is simple knowledge in moving your body on a regular basis to improve it’s flexibility and durability. It is no question to me, that the mind gains advantages as well.
      Nonetheless, if you continue to write smart things into my comments, I might have no other choice than starting my search for inner peace.
      Well, a quick wikipedia search towards inner peace for starters but at least.
      Have a beautiful day

Get to my head!

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