I knew something once

cat-stars-night

In just a few couple of days I have lost some of the traits, I struggled very hard to attain. These things are ocularly mundane, but to me crucial steps towards anticipated mediocrity and a glimpse of working reality.
In a time span of one and a half months I was effectively practicing these things on a regular basis:

  • Brushing my teeth before facing the Sandman
    It is definitely no problem brushing my teeth in the morning, immediately after falling out of bed. Although I have to admit, not every day is a standard hygienic day. Why this is important should be out of the question. One can obviously be successful without the majority of ones teeth, but mastication is aggravated heavily by missing ones.
  • Get out of the house once a day for fucks sake
    May it be visiting a friend or going for a walk with the dog. I just wanted to maintain and possibly improve a certain level of activity. Epic fail.
  • Getting up before ten o’clock every day
    I still refuse to understand why so, but it is deemed important and nobody should be enabled to claim I oppose new ideas. Being awake before everyone else is similar to staying up longer than anyone in your house. Well not as nostalgic and with a lack of that lonesome wolf mentality nevertheless comparable.
  • Exercise half of the weak
    It lets me feel productivity and vigour. I hate working out. It is like practicing. It simply does not fit into my self portrayal, that I would need to practice things. Dumb, but still a mind-set deeply rooted and not discarded hassle-free.
  • Practice my instruments daily
    The same as the above, but with an infuriated incomprehension. It simply should not be. This is the universe fucking with me just for shits and giggles. I really like it, it makes me feel good about myself. In spite of all that I stopped.
  • Sleep without any medication or drug
    Recreative sleep is important at large. Drug-free sleep is vital to recovery. Sleep is a strange thing though.
    I cannot rest easy with or without assistance. Meaning drugs legal or illegal do not prevent an awakening in discomfort ever and anon enhanced up to agony. A recrudescence in this is plausible to me, not desired, but plausible still.

This is a set back. I knew this would come. The knowledge of it’s pending doom did not empower me working towards its successful prevention. Not that I did not try. I set up a few routines to encounter this regression. Their futility ache, my inadequacy more so.
The circumstances of depression perfectly articulate the idea of Murphy’s Law. For every good or bad thing, its opposite will unavoidably follow.
Instead of the universe or karma or god or whatever entity you prefer, its judiciary is the own mind. In the mirror you see the punisher for every good deed, behaviour and prospect of veritable hope. To blame is the head.
I myself will not let me get away with anything good I feel about me. Be it benign or malignant, this cancerous life will get the better of me.

I know I promised… But it is not my cat!

Now? Lets quit the whining and get on with retry no° 164 to get my shit back together.
Sleep my old nemesis, so we meet again. The last time I came unprepared, tired and resistant. This time I’ll add a few ounces of headache and excessive sweating. That should do the trick.

Fuck! I do hate sleeping.

 

Stand upright,

Jona

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25 responses to “I knew something once

  1. …a rope- up the inside of a dark cavern – light glaring so bright it is blindingly painful to the eyes and head.Forced to just let the rope go. But it gets dark down there at the bottom of the pit where no light enters. So we hold the rope again —and again — as many times as it takes for us to get used to those fucking rays of light that make us want to close our eyes – this reads like a memoir from my past.
    Well written Jona. May I reblog?.

  2. Oh my, I have some of the same problems! I leave the house only when I must, for Doctor appointments etc, about once a week. I rarely get to bed before dawn, never exercise and don’t do other things that I should be doing… I do like to sleep but hate going to bed, strange isn’t it? Depression is a mother-fucker isn’t it? But I’m not giving up and am glad you’re not either. Keep on keeping on!

    • Thinking about it fucks me up. It makes absolutely no sense. I do not want to sleep. Actually I want to, but not the sleep I get these days. Sleep was always posed a problem to me nowadays it is more of a threat. Do this and tomorrow will be even worse.
      Yeah this giving up thing. I would really like to throw everything away. Then I remember I already did that. You cannot throw things away you do not possess :D

  3. Reblogged this on Idiot Writing and commented:
    What is life like beyond the surface of depression – the reality – the struggle – the GUTS it takes to do the same thing over and over and over again and hope for a different outcome?
    Here’s a pretty darn accurate depiction.
    Thank you for these words Jona.

  4. Oh man, so much of this I relate to from various points in my life. Other than the instruments of course… We can substitute “feed the dog” for that one. I do hope you start to lift back up out of it and find some light breaking through all of that. Just remember it’s not always like this and there’s another side to these experiences, sometimes you just have to hold on until you get there.

  5. Ah, we share a lot of the same issues, except I have cats that don’t need walking so don’t always see the light of day…..they do get me out of bed though, by bounding on my tits and bladder until I crack/nearly wet myself…hey, ho, what would we do without pets?

    • So the first cat-lady visited me and my blog :D Cats are very low maintenance. That is what I love most about them and of course their general not giving a fuck attitude.

  6. If I wrote this piece, right now, at this point, at this date, it’d be exactly the same emotions expressed. How does that work ?!
    Made me feel better and worse and I love ya for it.

    • The shitty part is, that I will be able to say that in a few weeks too. I don’t know how it works, but it seems you and I are not that different. Good, sorry and I am flattered :)

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