Dreary cunt that I am, I don’t want to be bored anymore.
It is always the same, every day a struggle and thinking makes it only worse. Blablabla.
There is no way to outsmart myself and none is letting my heart settle with my head.
I am tired of repeating my own thoughts and feelings. This dumb reoccurrence of patterns and emotions long gone, forgotten by everyone.
Only I cannot let them be, have to poke, revitalize and nurture them.
Why can’t I let others participate in my life? Why do I strive against affection and appreciation?Why can’t I accept others realities?
Mine is no rose-garden, so why not just take one of the others and reconcile?
It seems I devised my very own game, made up the rules and am still loosing at it. How dumb and pathetic.
All this collateral damage should not be necessary. I want to cut my, conclusively everyone’s losses and retreat, although there is no opening, not even for an unordered one.
I set up some honey traps for myself, dared me to pull through with this writing and other to me relevant things and trust me I would love few things more than gaining prevalence.
Who wins and who loses ultimately when you gamble with yourself? It should be a clear draw. It does not feel that way. It sure as hell doesn’t feel like that.
Happy new year everyone and stand upright,