All I want for Christmas is me

Beksinski

Dreary cunt that I am, I don’t want to be bored anymore.
It is always the same, every day a struggle and thinking makes it only worse. Blablabla.
There is no way to outsmart myself and none is letting my heart settle with my head.
I am tired of repeating my own thoughts and feelings. This dumb reoccurrence of patterns and emotions long gone, forgotten by everyone.
Only I cannot let them be, have to poke, revitalize and nurture them.

Why can’t I let others participate in my life? Why do I strive against affection and appreciation?Why can’t I accept others realities?
Mine is no rose-garden, so why not just take one of the others and reconcile?

It seems I devised my very own game, made up the rules and am still loosing at it. How dumb and pathetic.

All this collateral damage should not be necessary. I want to cut my, conclusively everyone’s losses and retreat, although there is no opening, not even for an unordered one.
I set up some honey traps for myself, dared me to pull through with this writing and other to me relevant things and trust me I would love few things more than gaining prevalence.
Who wins and who loses ultimately when you gamble with yourself? It should be a clear draw. It does not feel that way. It sure as hell doesn’t feel like that.

 

Happy new year everyone and stand upright,
Jona

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7 responses to “All I want for Christmas is me

  1. Hi Jona, I’ve missed seeing you in my reader. It’s tough dealing with depression, isn’t it? Writing helps but doesn’t cure. I also tend to shut people out, except for here at WordPress, I think part of it is the anonymity of the internet. It’s nice seeing your face again, love the blue picture by the way, take care!

    Mary

    • That is somehow comforting to read.
      There are phases when nothing seems to assuage my sorrow and I can only hang through.
      The painter is Zdzisław Beksiński, you might like his other pictures too.

Get to my head!

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