Nothing’s in the Box

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The curtain fell again and the stage bristles with pitfalls.

Like the ant trapped inside I scuttle the peripheral surface area constantly reattempting to make a prolific abscondence. As the insects futile attempts indicate I have to realize sometime that beating around the bush does not occasion results.
The question burning implies another imminent defeat.
The storm outside presses sharply against the window and through the masonry tries reaching my absence of mind.
Just one step through the door exposes my frailty, but Boreas is a wimpy cold breeze when confronted.
Evading and dodging his main characteristics while faced with slight but formidable demurral. I should be the minuscule creature in the wind, am however the raging roar echoing through a wannabe cyclone.

Why do I retreat to mind-altering substances?

I was very close accepting the leading opinion, concerning my defect or whatever the fuck is wrong with me, that granted me a diagnosis, a treatment and a framework to pursue my journey.
After a perfunctory research the following conclusion was reached.
The diagnosis is pure guesswork. The treatment therefore a presumptuous stab in the dark, yet a stab directly into my head and conclusively being.
I highly doubt, that I will place myself at the disposal of laymen to further accredit a science in its early development stage, equipped with an insufficient tool kit regardless if diagnostic or therapeutic approach.
I am pissed and I believe rightfully so. But then again, the one who is agitated always believes in the legitimacy of his claim.

A substantial, requisite amount of time I took antidepressants as . They have been a blessing, a true blessing. I do not feel in growing paucity. I acknowledge others sentience, but not my obligation to grant this cognition with reaction.

Is this what I should do?
Give in to my sociopathic tendencies and be, what my indifference, lack of remorse and languidness proposed for so long?

Somehow my instincts do not comply with this solicitation howsoever alluring and beguiling it may seem. Not unexpectedly I still urge to sense and be under the whim of emotions.
Therefore I take drugs. The intake itself does not bless me with sense. The generation of resistance have prevented that sensation a while ago. The drying out and withdrawal by contrast does.
The symptoms are amazing. It is a roller coaster of random reminders, initial sparks to despair, agony, nostalgia and a blunt instrument to the head.

qqfU3ll

The next few days are kind of predictable and simultaneously vague. There will be deprivation of sleep, like I partied all weekend. There will be stains of blood on the sheets and a mattress wet through with perspiration like I got laid all weekend. The rest is filled with ordeal, elation and or regret like I lived all life.
This will be par for the course a wild ride .
There will also be restraint. After all these times, I know the drill. Things leave, I stay that is the way it was always played.

That is what I take drugs for: Withdrawal.
Withdrawal is my only sensation.

I finished the song. I did not forget. Good for me. Perhaps I am able to show it to you very soon.

 

Have a great weekend and stand upright

Jona

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9 responses to “Nothing’s in the Box

    • I will. I am just pissed right now. I think I will no, I hope I will elaborate on that. It feels like I have been lied to, even if that might not be deliberate it is harmful specially when it happens on a major scale. Thanks for stopping by ;)

  1. Happy does not seem an appropriate emotion to display after the read here – and yet – you finished the song, and you are here. This brings me a sense of happiness – though admittedly it is not my happiness in question nor which matters greatly in context of the situation, dear Sir.
    None the less – ‘happiness’ is over rated. Peace Jona – I wish you your peace..nothing less nor more.
    That a a strong cup of coffee and a walk with a dog through the countryside ;)

    • I think happiness is nothing that is in store for me any more. I want a cig so bad or a drink or weed or coke or shrooms or anything… Well, but I can’t have that, can I? See you soon.

      • Happiness is a fleeting sentiment dear – you know this already.
        Write it down Jona – or are you asking permission? ;)
        Um – you realise butterflies will never be the same to me again right?!
        I like that picture of you dear ~ it speaks volumes.

  2. Jona dear, I am worried, should I be worried? It’s this part that has me worried:

    “The next few days are kind of predictable and simultaneously vague. There will be deprivation of sleep, like I partied all weekend. There will be stains of blood on the sheets and a mattress wet through with perspiration like I got laid all weekend. The rest is filled with ordeal, elation and or regret like I lived all life.”

    I’m hopeful that you are well, as well as you can be. I take anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, and it can be frustrating, because it just levels everything out, no highs, no lows, just blah. Almost like feeling dead inside, I have a hard time staying happy, or sad for very long, the emotions just flash and then they’re gone. But you know this, it’s what you were writing about wasn’t it? Taking drugs just so you could feel *something* other than the sameness? Or am I misinterpreting it? Anyway, I do hope you’re in a better mood now, take care of yourself.

    Mary

    • I’m fine. As I said and as ridiculous as it sounds, but messing with the chemical balances or imbalances in me is my version of having a fun time.
      No, I am not better, but not worse either. But it is not about me feeling better, it is about me working so nobody needs to worry about me any more ;)

      • Well, if it works for you and you’re safe then I’ll stop worrying :) It was just the bloody sheets thing that got me worked up, I’ll try not to freak out again :) Not better but not worse either, kind of like my MS remission. If you have a mother then you probably will always have at least one person worrying about you, it can’t be helped, it’s what they do :)

Get to my head!

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